The worst thing was the secret I carried with me

How did it all start?

I’m part of a club where I do fun things with the others. We went to a casino once. It was a really enjoyable evening. After that evening, there was a voice in my head telling me I should gamble more. Do you know Hommerson? That’s where I went next.

What was the fun in gambling?

When I was gambling, I felt good. I was in a sort of bubble. I didn’t pay any attention to the time. Nor did I pay any attention to how much money I was spending. I was often home on my own. I was looking for company. And in a gambling hall, I had people around me.

And what wasn’t fun?

If I won, I’d carry on. I’d lose the money I’d won in no time at all. By the end of the evening, I’d lost track of how much I’d gambled. Sometimes I’d go outside and realise it was much later than I’d thought. So it cost a lot of money and a lot of time. Once I was back home, I’d feel really sorry about it. And then I’d feel absolutely miserable.

Did you keep it a secret?

Yes, I didn’t dare tell other people. I felt as sorry as if I’d been gambling. And I was ashamed of it. That’s why I kept it a secret. But if you don’t tell anyone, you carry it around with you. It’s a burden, and a very heavy one at that. I carried that around with me for more than half a year. I often felt miserable during that time.

Did it cost you a lot of money?

Yes. I didn’t realise it at the time. I was in that bubble. I kept withdrawing small amounts. I’d spend that money quickly and then go and withdraw some more. And then again, and again. You don’t really notice how much money it actually is. Because they’re always small amounts. But when you add it all up, it’s a lot of money. I was taking it out of my savings account. Because of that, I couldn’t go on holiday or do any fun things at the time. Because that money was gone.

Have you tried quitting?

I really wanted to stop, but I didn’t know how to sort it out. The money wasn’t even the worst part. The worst part was the secret I was carrying around with me.

How did you sort it out?

My mum eventually found out. That’s what I call a mother’s instinct. She asked me what was wrong. She could tell that something wasn’t right with me. She helped me with a payment once. We looked at my bank account together, and she noticed that I’d often used my debit card at Hommerson. I was shocked that she’d found out, but it meant I was able to get help.

What kind of help did you receive?

My sister knew someone who could help me. I had a few sessions with that man. He was very kind. He worked for an organisation that helps people with addictions. Because if you gamble that much and you can’t help yourself, then you’re addicted to gambling.

What have you learnt from him?

An addiction is like a little dragon in your head. You get an urge to gamble. At first, the little dragon speaks softly. If you wait too long, the little dragon speaks very loudly. Then all you can think about is gambling. And then nothing helps anymore. I’ve learnt to ring my mum or my sister straight away whenever I feel the urge to gamble. Talking about it helped the little dragon go away. I’ve also learnt that it’s not good for me to spend too much time on my own at home. I’ve got more activities in my week now. I have a chat with my sister every week. And on another day, I see my mum. I’m a member of two clubs for socialising and I’m now part of ABCDate. I really enjoy going to the ABCDate evenings.

How are you getting on these days? Do you still feel the urge to gamble sometimes?

That’s all gone now. I’m doing well again. I’m realising now just how many lovely things I can do because I’ve stopped gambling. I can go on holiday again and do other fun things.

Do you have any advice for people who are currently struggling with gambling?

My advice is: talk to someone you trust. That’s where you need to start. It’s not easy, but if you don’t talk about it, the problem will get worse. If you do talk about it, you can get help. And then everything will be all right.

Tim has shared his story with Steffie.nl.

On this website, Steffie explains everything there is to know about gambling. Steffie explains what gambling games are and how gambling can affect you. You can also use the tools here to assess how you deal with gambling games and whether gambling is causing you problems.