Save yourself first, then the other person
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Simon discovered that his wife was gambling. She was even using their children’s savings. In the end, he saw no other solution than to put himself and his children first and end the relationship. The aftermath has been a long one, but he can now see light at the end of the tunnel.
“We were together for 15 years and have two lovely children. But in 2019, she started gambling. She wasn’t very sensible with money to begin with. She worked as a self-employed hairdresser and was often short of cash. At first, I didn’t realise anything was wrong. She’s the sort of person who spends 75 euros if she earns 50. Whereas I was brought up with the idea that if you earn 50, you spend 10 and save the rest.”
His wife also runs short of money during the busier months at her hairdressing salon. That got Simon thinking. “When I asked her about it, she said there was nothing wrong. But she kept asking for money. One evening, whilst she was in the bath, I checked her bank details. Strange amounts would often go missing.”
Trust
“I confronted her. It turned into a drama. She got angry because I’d looked at her bank details. Then she felt guilty. She admitted she sometimes won. And when she lost, she tried to win the money back. Which meant she lost even more. She was ashamed. And she promised it wouldn’t happen again.”
It didn’t stop. “She’d gone away for the weekend with a friend and her iPhone was stolen. I later realised she’d sold her mobile. She used the money to gamble. And when we went on holiday, she had an envelope containing 1,000 euros with her. Suddenly, that money was gone. She even went with me to the police to report it. Later, she admitted she’d gambled the money away. She’d photographed her friends’ ID cards so she could gamble under a false name.”
Simon sighs: “Money is material. But trust isn’t. Once trust is gone, you can’t win it back. Our relationship came under strain.”
Everything gone
After much discussion, his wife agreed to be admitted to the psychiatric ward. “But that became a way for her to escape her problems. Whenever things got too much for her, she’d have herself admitted. It happened six times in four years. The last time, a friend brought her in. She rang me and said: ‘Please check the children’s account.’ All the children’s savings had disappeared.”
That’s when Simon broke down: “For four years, I tried non-stop to help her. To understand her addiction. To be there for her. We enrolled her in a gambling rehabilitation programme, we talked, she received professional help. Nothing helped. The children’s bank account was the last straw. I was falling apart myself, and so were my children.”
Her struggle
“In 2020, I qualified as an ‘effortless coach’. There I learnt: you can’t fail. This is her struggle. And she has to do it. You can only help. Eventually, I lost my own stability. And I knew: the children need at least one stable parent. She couldn’t be that person. So I had to be. I told her we had to split up. That led to a lot of conflict.
It’s still difficult to this day. She keeps bringing legal cases. About the sale of our house. About the children. I now have a new girlfriend and she’s trying to turn the children against me. Saying I left for another relationship, for example. None of it’s true, but try explaining that to a little one.”
Simon tries to be a safe haven for his children. He tries to shield them from the drama and the hassle. “I only talk about it if they want to have a chat themselves. They need to be able to relax when they’re with me. Just to be children for a while, without having to shoulder the worries of adults. But I can see they’re struggling too. They’re loyal to their dad and their mum. That’s normal. I’ve arranged for them to see a psychologist – someone they can talk to without their dad or mum being there.”
The arrangements between Simon and his ex are now set out in court rulings. “But she keeps fighting it. When will it be over? I don’t know. But I won’t let it get to me; I don’t want to be a victim, and looking back won’t solve anything. Through my coaching, I can rebuild my life and find happiness again. Just as I do in my children and my new relationship.
I can’t change my ex, so the only thing I can do is move forward again. I enjoy the little things. Going outside for half an hour when the weather’s nice and sitting in the sun with a cup of coffee – that’s worth everything to me.”
Oxygen masks on a plane
Simon sighs deeply. “You know,” he says, with a serious look on his face. “I can see now that we’re starting to climb out of the trough. I’m almost through it with the children. I think it’s important to talk about what’s happened to us. Do you have a hunch? Is something nagging at you? Speak up straight away. Face up to it. Even if it’s not pleasant to do so. And if it all blows up: save yourself first. You can’t save someone else if you’re not okay yourself. It’s like those oxygen masks on a plane. First you put on your own mask; only then do you go and save others.
I’ve realised for myself how difficult it is to set and maintain your boundaries. You care about the other person and you want to help. And then you end up crossing your own boundaries. And don’t forget: you’re not the one with the addiction. That means you won’t get any help either. You have to look after yourself. Perhaps that’s another message from me: keep an eye on the people around the person who’s in trouble. That way, you’ll prevent a lot more misery.”
You can find more information about help for loved ones here.
